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I didn't do anything wrong. I've been hurt repeatedly for a really long time now, and I brought it up, and now its over.
I was dumped, not the other way around. And yet I'm still being judged.
I wasn't about to break up with him. I didn't make him do it. It was his decision.
I hate being so blunt, but I'm really really frustrated right now.
I'm hurting like hell while he's getting sympathy. This is really fantastic.
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Thursday, December 21st, 2006
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so basically I just remembered that livejournal existed.
k, so now that I've remembered, can I just use this lovely little journal to say
I HATE FAKE PEOPLE.
you know, like people who see you somewhere and say "OH EM GEE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH WE SHOULD TOTALLY HANG OUT SOMETIME YOU'RE MY FAVORITE PERSON EVERRRR!!"
and by that I'm really only referring to one person, someone who no one else actually knows, so I think it's alright for me to say that.
I love all of you, I really really do. so freaking much more than you can possibly imagine, because I need/want all the love I can get, and the best way to do that is by giving it.
failed my driving test on tuesday. I was expecting to. I've probably driven a total of twenty hours, to be completely honest. the guy was super super nice though, and he said I was a great driver and I totally would have passed, except I was disqualified because I failed at backing up in a straight line along the curb. I don't know why, I've been able to do it before. but I was super nervous and I just kept freaking out. anywhoo, it's kind of a pain because my permit expires tomorrow, so I have to get a new one, which is completely ridiculous, and i have to take the written test again. the sad thing is I'm actually studying for it because I really don't remember any of this crap.
it's really dumb. other than the backing up in a straight line I would have passed, and honestly, how often am I actually going to have to do that? not very.
Ian's home today :-)
so everything's fine.
you know that claymation christmas thing that's absolutely awesome? basically I really wanted to watch that, and I called everywhere to see if they had it. barnes and noble said they could order it for me, but its like.. why would I want to watch it when christmas is already over? I wouldn't.
caroling on tuesday night basically sucked, but it was kind of worth it. there were seven of us, and no tenors (although tb basically just sang the tenor part), and it was freezing, and I don't think very many people were actually listening to us, but then the last house we went to, there was this old man and he played along with us on his harmonica and danced, and it was just about the most adorable thing of my life. and then he was telling us about how he was in world war two and he would play for the troops and stuff, and I was like.. I love people. so much.
I have to be somewhere in 45 minutes and have something done that isn't yet done.
merry christmas
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Saturday, October 14th, 2006
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| Time: | 10:20 pm. |
| Mood: |  cheerful/busy. | | Music: | Feeling Good - Michael Buble. |
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Homecoming!! YAY.
My dress is so hot. It's just heating up my whole closet.
I hope Courtney has fun.. I'll feel so bad if she has a crappy time.
I got the sexiest-looking raspberry mousse cake EVER. so that's awesome.
Yaaaaaaaaay.
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Friday, October 13th, 2006
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| Time: | 2:39 pm. |
| Music: | The Beauty of Your Peace - Tim Hughes. |
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Your voice has stilled the raging storms
The wind and waves bow down before
Your still small voice brings hope to all
Who wait on You, we'll wait for You
To lead us to the place where You'll restore our souls
And all our earthly strivings come to cease
Take from our souls the strain and stress
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Your peace
The beauty of Your peace
Bright skies will soon be overhead
We'll enter in to Heaven's rest
There'll be no death, there'll be no pain
The things of old will pass away
You'll lead us to the place where You'll restore our souls
And all our earthly strivings come to cease
Take from our souls the strain and stress
And let our ordered lives confess
The beauty of Your peace
The beauty of Your peace
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Sunday, October 8th, 2006
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so. about honor choir auditions yesterday.. yeeah. oh well.
I'm so excited for homecoming. basically, it's gonna be amazingly uber fun.
NINE lasts--
9. last place you were: val's
8. last food: eggs
7. last beverage: water
6. last show watched: I don't know.. I started watching castaway on tv last night, but I got tired and went to sleep
5. last phone call: gare bear
4. last cd played: um. I don't know?
3. last BUBBLE bath: I don't know. probably sometime last week. I looooove bubble baths.
2. last time you cried: yesterday. but I wasn't very upset.
1. last alcohol drink: don't remember. alcohol's icky.
EIGHT have you evers --
8. have you ever dated someone twice: yes
7. have you ever cheated on someone: with your mom last night.
6. have you ever kissed someone: yes
5. have you ever kissed someone you regret: ha yes
4. have you ever fallen in love: mmmmmhmmm :-)
3. have you ever lost someone: not anyone really, really close
2. have you ever been depressed: yes
1. have you ever been drunk and thrown up: eww no
SEVEN things you did today--
7. washed my hair with prell a million times, followed by some deep, deep conditioning
6. made myself breakfast
5. ate breakfast
4. talked on the phone with gary
3. checked my email
2. got cat hair all over me
1. filled out a silly survey
SIX would yous--
6. Would you go skydiving? no
5. Would you make out with someone of the same sex? yes, but I have a boyfriend thanks very much. :-)
4. Would you have sex with a stranger? no
3. Would you have sex with a stranger for $1 million dollars? no
2. Would you do something illegal? haha nothing toooo illegal
1. Would you be able to handle jail? no
FIVE schools you've been to--
5. el mo
4. homeschool! haha
3. washington
2. la colina
1. san marcos
FOUR favorite colors--
4. red
3. green
2. orange
1. brown
THREE people you can tell anything to --
3. ian
2. kari
1. my sister (almost anything)
TWO things you want to do before you die --
2. get married
1. do something really really awesome in another country. like with orphans or something.
ONE wish--
1. I wish I were an oscar meier weiner.
IN THE PAST TWO MONTHS you have --
been to school - yes
made a new friend - yes
done something you swore never to do - ..maybe? I don't know
laughed until you cried - fo sho
went behind your parents back - yes
cried over an ex - no
disappointed someone close - yes
pretended to be happy - yes
kept your new years resolution - haha what new years resolution?
met someone who changed your life - ..no?
left the state - no
lost someone - no one close or anything
gotten close to someone - yes
streaked - no
given up something important to you - yes
found out who your true friends were - no
drank alcohol - no
smoked a cigarette - ewwwwwwwwww no
done drugs - no
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Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
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I need to stop being so angry with people.
it happened with like three people today... I literally thought "I hate you so much."
I feel like a terrible person. I'm getting hurt so easily lately, over things that really don't matter. I really need to stop taking everything so seriously.
but still. he pisses me off. and she pisses me off. and he pisses me off. and it's annoying.
raaaaaaaaawwwwwr.
so I got home at about 3:20 today, and could have had almost half of my homework done by now, but instead I spent all day working on that stupid song, and now I'm pretty much screwed because I have to leave for showstoppers in an hour.
but anyway. positive things.
like puppies.
yay puppies.
I'm hungry.
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Tuesday, September 12th, 2006
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| Time: | 4:19 pm. |
| Mood: |  sleepy. |
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so basically, the past few days have been amazing.
today, especially.. I feel kind of bad about missing school, but I feel so much better because of it.
and yeah.. really, really surprised about enchante yesterday. and really hoping that no one's too mad at me. but still pretty damn excited.
I have no idea how to do my history homework from yesterday.
or from today.
but I won't worry about today.
I'm in such a good mood right now, that I don't really care.
I have to admit, I'm a little disappointed about people breaking promises to me in the past week, but it's not like I actually expected them to keep them. and I'm ok with that.
ummm my cat is adorable.
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Thursday, September 7th, 2006
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so.
my mom gets mad at me for not thinking about my future.
so.
I bite the bullet and tell her I want to go to city college.
so.
I am now grounded for not SERIOUSLY thinking about my future.
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Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
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| Time: | 7:27 pm. |
| Mood: | relieved. |
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so I know it's still early, I don't really have to be deciding this right now, but I've thought about it a LOT. and I've pretty much decided that I don't really care about going to a four year christian college. although I still have time to think about it, I'm really happy with just going to city college and having fun and getting married. maybe not having a really "successful" career, but having a job that I like and being first and foremost a wife and mother.. and I never would have thought I would have wanted that, but I do. I really, really do.
it's such a relief to know that I don't have to worry about being perfect, getting amazing grades, or getting amazing sat scores, or trying to impress everyone with how smart I am. because yes, as arrogant as it sounds, I am really intelligent. but that doesn't mean that that's what I have to care about in life. and for the first time I'm making decisions about what I want to do, not what my mom wants me to do, or what people expect me to do. and that makes me so so happy.
so basically, this means I get to be a kid for my last year as a kid. isn't that just awesome? how many of my friends can honestly say that?
cause as fun as it sounds to kill myself trying to be something I'm not for the rest of my life... ha.
my computer's being really slow.
I want it to be the weekend.
kari rocks.
I'm eatun niwwa wafuws.
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Tuesday, September 5th, 2006
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| Time: | 5:45 pm. |
| Mood: | terrible. |
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balls.
what's your problem lately, megan? god, you're dumb.
I want to be a good friend. to everyone. including myself. and I'm just hurting everyone. I'm not trying to. I know it looks that way, but I'm really really not.
I'm trying to be happy with this season of life, which, is absolute shit, and is going to be absolute shit for a least a few more months.
I have difficult classes, and just about all I'm doing is homework. When I'm not doing homework, I'm fighting with my parents or being a bitch to my friends. I don't have my license, so I can't just go somewhere and be be myself for like FIVE FUCKING MINUTES of the day. Half of my friends are totally pissed at me, and the other half think I've gone completely insane (which I have), and are too afraid of me to talk to me.
First priority is to make up with all of my friends and beg for forgiveness. (could take a while)
Second priority is to get my license. (could take even longer)
Third priority is to get through this semester. (will take much, much longer)
Final priority is to find some way to be at peace with myself. And the answer there is probably God, and I'm probably too dumb to realize it, and I'm probably just screwing myself by ignoring everything in the world that's beautiful and wonderful.
So too bad I'm freaking everyone out lately. Yeah.
I could really use a friend right now. Which I know is a dumb thing to say, because I have so many great friends. But I just really, really need someone new to step up and show me that I'm still worth knowing.
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Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
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| Time: | 1:01 pm. |
| Mood: |  cranky. |
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eww.
I'm in my dad's office. I'm at work. it's sort of my lunch break right now... or it would be if this was like, fifteen minutes ago. whatever.
so about me having to take math at cc next summer if I want to do the musical. :-( sucky. but there's not much I can do.
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Saturday, August 19th, 2006
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Sunday, August 13th, 2006
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| Time: | 9:17 pm. |
| Mood: |  sexy. oh so sexy.. | | Music: | and you don't believe me... |
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I'm totally back. yay.
today kari and I spent about a half hour saying "pascucci" in weird ways.
our favorite was definitely "pacsuCHAI!"
you have to scream the end of it.
here's what I look like:
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| Time: | 2:08 pm. |
| Mood: |  depressed. | | Music: | Strange and Beautiful ~ Aqualung. |
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*sigh*
my brain is a confusing place to live.
although I guess I don't really live in my brain. I live with my brain.
*thinks about this*
whatever.
anyhoo, I know some people like vacations because it's a good way to sort your life out, but for me it's just the opposite. all I've managed to do is die in this unbearable heat, have no appetite, and have some akward, confusing dreams (probably due to my messed up sleep patterns). I want to go home and sort things out. I want to go out and do fun stuff with gary, and be able to talk to kari about boys, and eat healthy food. I only have six more days here, but this vacation's been going so slow that that isn't very comforting.
and I'm worried about school starting. which isn't for a while, so I shouldn't be thinking about it, but I am. I'm so not looking forward to this year, and I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through it. super hard classes, friend drama, the majority of my friends being in mads, the fact that working out my schedule at the last minute is gonna be a bitch, and mostly just the fact that ian's gonna be a senior, so I'm gonna be wasting the whole year crying about it. because that's just what I do.
I'm so confused about everything. I don't know who I am anymore, or what's going to happen to me, or what I want.. well, I know what I want, but I always suck at getting what I want, so that doesn't help much.
the good thing is, once I get home and I have gary and kari, I won't be half as upset about all of this. although I'm not sure when kari and val are getting back from hawaii.
balls.
I need to meet a guy. too bad I'm in the SOUTH right now.
somebody give me some advice on how not to go insane right now.
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| Time: | 11:26 pm. |
| Mood: | sleepy. | | Music: | breaking my heart ~ aqualung. |
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hey guys, guess what. I'm in the SOUTH. hahahahahahahaha.
that was sarcastic laughter. I'm not at all amused. merely pissed.
all the people here my age are emo. and I can't say I blame them. on friday nights everyone heads over to walmart and parties it up with the rest of the fat retired people.
anyway. I miss everybody. lots. :-(
*hugs*
it's 11:30 here, so g'night.
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Thursday, July 20th, 2006
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| Time: | 9:41 am. |
| Mood: |  I am so ready for today. | | Music: | naughty baby ;-). |
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stress stress stress stress stress. want to know why?
a) being on the second chapter (out of twenty five) of the disgusticatingly long book for ap history.
b) the show opening in less than a week and me not knowing any of the dances perfectly because I suck at life.
c) the show opening in less than a week and me not knowing any of my lines perfectly because I suck at life.
d) the show opening in less than a week and radu biting everyone's head off, especially mine for some reason.
e) sharlae. is. a. crazy. crazy. woman. but don't get me wrong, she's very sweet and I love her to death.
f.. yes, there's an f) DRAMA. unnecessary drama. can I just say how much I hate people who are like "oh my god, you were standing really close to each other, you must have been making out." yeah, that's right guys.. we were making out in public at LA COLINA at SHOWSTOPPERS. that definitely turns me on, I don't know about you. and you know how much I love my younger men.. god. people. please.
but you know what? all of this is made better by the fact that sunday I get to go to disneyland with ian and have FUN for once in my stupid summer, and everything else can just suck my balls.
and today we're totally doing naughty baby. awwwright. :-)
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| Time: | 11:58 am. |
| Mood: | silly. | | Music: | you know me... or you think you do.. mwahahahahahahahahaha. |
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basically I've been really stressed out lately and I'm totally breaking out and it SUCKS. I miss my super good skin. :-(
so showstoppers... yeah... about that. much akwardness and drama, plus the fact that it's way too hot all the time, and my less-than-pro tapping skills. but it's worth it. why? because I get to be a slut and seduce mac, and that's all that really matters. even if I only get to do it two nights out of four. but even then it's worth it, because on the other nights I get to be a man in slap that bass, and being a man is just about the best thing ever. PLUS that one super hot irene costume.. oh my freaking goodness, love it. too bad everything looks way better on kristy than on me. but that's ok, I can still pretend I look as hot as her.
I miss my kari. but we talked this morning, and it was awesome, and and and yeah. seriously though, who goes to ohio? who DOES that? kari apparently.
so yeah. me trying to clean my room at three in the morning. and then I heard something outside my window and like, started screaming because I was so tired and I wasn't thinking straight. and me not getting my room clean. and my mom not getting mad at me for it, because she feels bad for me, cause I was crying all last night.
mmmmm, camping this weekend.
my summer is so weird.
all I have to say is:
at bryn mawr I was top of my class. all the boys were underneath.
and in the words of the wise philosophers kari and megan, "I'm eatun' niwwa wafuws!"
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Thursday, July 13th, 2006
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| Time: | 11:31 am. |
| Mood: | ?. |
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I don't know what to do with myself.
I definitely didn't need this right now.
Who the hell does that, anyway?
Balls.
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Wednesday, July 5th, 2006
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elphabalovesyou's journal
confused.